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Things I Wish I'd Known... Regarding a "good" divorce

Is it even possible to have a "good" divorce?

You see, when I asked a friend of mine for advice she might give to her pre-divorce self her answer was "There no such thing as a 'good' divorce and it’s naive to think there are exceptions." Is that true?? My first instinct was a bold and rallying "YEAH!," but then I paused. Is it really impossible to have a "good" divorce? While I love you, friend, I must disagree. When it comes to the divorce process, I talk a lot with my clients about how they want to feel when looking back on this experience. I encourage them to envision themselves a few years from now, when they're well settled into a new normal. Do they want to cringe at the rash decisions, emotional outbursts, name-calling and hostility? OR Do they want to look back with pride, that they were able to rationally and intelligently communicate and negotiate? That they were able to keep the well-being of the children front and center and emerge with a functional, possibly even amicable relationship with their ex? For me, as for most, divorce was extremely painful. There were many days I cried, yelled and was surely not my best self. Emotional floodgates opened at inopportune times (much to the discomfort of my attorney) and I was just plain sad and angry. But throughout these moments - I could look at my ex and feel almost relieved that we would soon be out of this and finding happiness on our own. No matter how ugly it got I knew he would be in my life forever, and I'd much rather have him an ally than an enemy. We made a life, and made kids together and while our marriage didn't work I always deep down felt he was "good".. What if you can't see the good in your ex? What if he's hurt you beyond reparation? Well then, there's never a better time to move on and create a happier, healthier future for yourself! Harness the power of opportunity, choice, and personal freedoms to come, and use that to propel your way through the process with your head held high.To get to the finish line quicker, you must be your own biggest advocate. Be vocal on whats important to you, create clear boundaries and keep yourself emotionally regulated. Allow the lawyers to do the talking and remove yourself from situations that may trigger you. Continue to enable your best self to shine through this entire process and beyond. There are moments you will lose your s@*t, rightfully so. But have your moment, your meltdown, and get it out of your system. It is beneficial on so many levels to be able to go through this process with integrity. For you - you will start your new life on a positive note, feeling closure for the marriage, and not being filled with anxiety at the thought of future interactions with your ex. For your children, you are showing them how to deal with adversity - that pain is ok, but perseverance is key. I was on a clubhouse panel last night - a very positive discussion about the great life you can have after divorce. A peer of mine, Suzanne Vickberg (aka Dr. Suz) came on and shared details of her "good" divorce. So good in fact that she now lives with her ex, his new wife and their kids. "Sometimes it's surprising what ends up being wonderful after divorce," she said. "Having a 3rd parent in the mix to help with the kids has enabled me to have the life I have now." While her case may be the exception to the rule, it's hard proof that there are exceptions. You can have a good divorce. It takes work and a lot of self-control, but you are in control of how you choose to view the process and the outcome.

How will you choose?

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